More Than Feeding Your Parents

You keep your parents fed. Do you also keep them respected?

Original

子游問孝。子曰：「今之孝者，是謂能養。至於犬馬，皆能有養；不敬，何以別乎？」

In plain words

Ziyou asked about filial devotion. Confucius said: “Nowadays devotion means being able to provide for your parents. But even dogs and horses can serve and provide. Without respect, where is the difference?”

Key words

能養néng yǎngBeing able to provide: food, clothing, care.
敬jìngRespect: honouring someone as a person, not just a task.
色難sè nán(2·8) “The face is the hard part”: staying warm, not just dutiful.

Reading it step by step

With this page we begin the second theme: people and the ties between them. Confucius never taught behind a closed door. Almost everything he calls “good” lives inside a relationship: with parents, with friends, with society. And every one of those begins at home.

His student Ziyou asked what filial devotion is. The answer is short, and it is uncomfortable.

First: providing is the starting line, not the finish. Making sure your parents are fed, clothed and taken to the doctor matters, and it isn't easy. But Confucius says “nowadays,” and you can hear a sigh in it. People have come to think that this is all devotion means.

Second: who are the dogs and horses? The usual reading: we feed dogs and horses too, so without respect, how is feeding parents any different? But who, speaking of devotion, would set feeding your parents beside feeding livestock? A better reading: the dog guards the gate; the horse pulls the cart. They, too, serve people, which is why we still speak of offering someone “the labour of a dog or a horse.” If a son or daughter only does the work, with no respect in the heart, how are they different from a faithful horse? The difference is not how much you do, but whether respect is there.

Third: where does respect show? In the next passage Confucius says the hardest part is the face. When a parent's illness drags on, a child's patience wears thin, until the parent is the one watching the child's expression. One teacher remembers the years when his parents needed the hospital every few days. Brothers and sisters frowned: “I have work, you know.” He kept repeating “the face is the hard part” to himself; his forced smile was sometimes worse than crying, but at least he knew where to push.

Then there is a story across three generations. Zengzi served his father wine and meat at every meal, and afterwards always asked, “Who should have what's left?” His father liked to share with poor neighbours. When Zengzi was old, his son Zeng Yuan also served wine and meat, but never asked. If Zengzi asked whether any was left, he said no, saving it to reheat next time. Zeng Yuan fed a body. Zengzi also fed his father's wish to be generous.

providefood, clothes, care

respectthe face: warmth, not duty

nourish their wisheslet them still give

From caring for a body to honouring a person

Bring it home. A monthly transfer that never fails, and a voice on the phone that turns sharp in one sentence. A family dinner with your eyes on your phone. That is providing, not necessarily respecting. Respect costs nothing. Hear out the old story for the third time. Ask what they have been thinking about lately. Leave them room to still do something for someone else.

Devotion is not a bill you pay. It is a way of seeing your parents: as whole people.

One line to carry

Feeding cares for a body. Respect honours a person.

Today's question

The last time you spoke with a parent, what was your face and tone like? What would you change next time?

Quick check

For Confucius, what separates devotion from “what dogs and horses do”?

Next pageWould Your Heart Be at Ease?Page 10

II · Family, Friends and Society — Family, friendship and our part in the world

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