Repay Resentment with Virtue

Someone wrongs you. Do you pay them back, or let it go?

Original

為無為，事無事，味無味。大小多少，報怨以德。圖難於其易，為大於其細；天下難事，必作於易；天下大事，必作於細。是以聖人終不為大，故能成其大。

In plain words

Act without forcing; work without fuss; taste what has no taste. Great or small, many or few, repay resentment with virtue. Tackle the hard while it is still easy; do the great while it is still small. The hard things of the world always begin as easy ones; the great things of the world always begin as small ones. So the sage never sets out to do great things, and that is how he achieves greatness.

Key words

報怨以德bào yuàn yǐ déTo answer resentment and injury with goodwill.
德dé德 echoes 得, “to get”: what each thing receives from the Dao. Here, steady goodwill.
細xìThe small end of things: the moment something begins.

Reading it step by step

For several pages we've seen that the Confucians centre on people and the Daoists on the Dao. Today the two part ways over a very practical question: when someone wrongs me, how should I respond?

First, notice Laozi's style: act without forcing, taste the tasteless. Do things without strain, handle things without stirring up more, find flavour in what is plain. Repaying resentment with virtue grows out of this style. You don't dance to the other person's mood. Resentment's greatest power is to turn us into the kind of person who hurt us; refuse the dance and it loses its grip.

Second: "great or small, many or few, repay resentment with virtue." Confucius saw it differently. In the Analects, someone asks Confucius about repaying resentment with virtue. He asks back: then what do you repay kindness with? His answer: "Repay resentment with uprightness, and kindness with kindness." Treat well those who treat you well; to those who wrong you, respond honestly and straight, and stand on what is fair; if it comes to it, see them in court. Confucius' worry is not abstract. Picture a teacher who is kind to the students who treat him well, and just as kind to the one who insults him to his face.

The insults only get louder, and the others start to wonder why they bother being good to him. Kindness has turned into indulgence. Both views make sense. The Confucians stress justice, like a father who wants good and bad to meet their proper return. The Daoists lean toward embracing, like a mother who takes her child in whole. Laozi also gives a very practical reason: "When a great resentment is settled, some resentment always remains." Even after a deep feud is patched up, a knot is left behind. Only a larger goodwill can dissolve it.

Confucius

repay resentment with uprightness

fairness: the father's way

Laozi

repay resentment with virtue

embrace: the mother's way

Third: tackle the hard while it is easy; do the great while it is small. Resentment grows the same way. One barbed remark, one unanswered message: leave it, and it becomes a cold war, then years of silence. The easiest moment to untie it is while it's small.

Bring it home. A colleague took credit for your work. A brother and sister haven't spoken in years over something old. Repaying resentment with virtue doesn't mean pretending nothing happened or letting people walk over you; what needs saying can still be said. It means your response is set by the steadiness you have "received" from the Dao, not by the other person's ill will. Offer one small kindness today, while things are still small.

Holding an umbrella over someone in the rain is harder than winning an argument, and stronger.

One line to carry

While it's still small, offer kindness first.

Today's question

Is there a relationship that cooled over something small? What small act of goodwill could you offer today?

Quick check

One of Laozi's reasons for repaying resentment with virtue is:

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