Friends Who Help You Grow

What do you and your friends talk about most? Do you come away a little better?

Original

曾子曰：「君子以文會友，以友輔仁。」

In plain words

Zengzi said: “A gentleman gathers friends through culture, and through friends he is helped toward humaneness.”

Key words

文wénCulture and learning: the Odes, history, ritual, music; something to share.
會huìTo gather, to meet and befriend.
輔fǔTo help, like the side-boards that keep a cart wheel steady.

Reading it step by step

Yesterday: substance and refinement. But 文 means more than manners. It also means culture itself: poetry, history, music. Zengzi's line ties that culture to friendship. In theme two we met the three kinds of friends who help; today we see how good friends meet, and how they make each other better.

First: “gathering friends through culture” means meeting over something you both love. There are many kinds of friends: people from your hometown, colleagues, dinner companions. Zengzi means another kind: people who came together because they read the same book, love the same poem, care about the same question. Such a friendship has content. It doesn't shrink to small talk and complaints.

Confucius said poetry “lets people come together”: like a song everyone knows, where one person starts and the whole room hums along and warms up. Shared culture is a common language. When Thoreau lived alone by Walden Pond with Homer on his shelf, he complained that reading such books left him no one to talk to. Reading alone isn't enough. You need someone to read with.

Second: friends of this kind set each other alight. Zigong asked, “Poor without flattering, rich without arrogance: how is that?” Confucius said, “Not as good as poor and joyful, rich and loving ritual.” Zigong at once recalled a line from the Odes: “As if cut, as if filed, as if carved, as if polished.” A person, like jade, keeps being refined. Confucius was delighted: “Now I can talk poetry with you.” When Zixia went from “the white comes last” to “so ritual comes after?”, Confucius said, “You've opened my eyes.” Even the teacher gets lit up by the student. Good friends work like that: one says something, the other takes it further, and both end up somewhere new.

Third: “helped toward humaneness” means friends support you and also correct you. Visiting the town of Wucheng, Confucius heard people singing to the zither and smiled: “Why use an ox-knife to kill a chicken?” Why bring ritual and music to a little town? His student Ziyou pushed back: “Master, you taught us that a gentleman who learns the Way loves people.” Confucius turned to everyone: “He's right. I was only joking.” It is the one place in the Analects where Confucius is said to smile. Friends who can joke, push back and admit a mistake on the spot will keep each other on the right road.

through culturea book, a poem, a question you share

gather friendsmeet in appreciation

cut and polishspark and correct each other

help toward goodnesswalk the right road together

Gathering friends through culture is easy today: a book club, a documentary series you watch together, a good article shared in a group chat. But notice what happens after. Do you come away wanting to be a better person, or just a little more resentful?

This week, recommend a book you love to one friend, and set a time to talk about it.

One line to carry

A good friend leaves you wanting to be better.

Today's question

Which friend once made you better with a remark, a book or an argument? How could you return that gift?

Quick check

After Ziyou objected to the “ox-knife” remark, what did Confucius do?

Next pageThree Months Without Tasting MeatPage 22

III · The Beauty of a Cultured Life — Poetry, ritual, music and the joy of living

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