Three Friends Who Help, Three Who Harm

Who in your life would tell you straight out that you were wrong?

Original

孔子曰：「益者三友，損者三友。友直，友諒，友多聞，益矣。友便辟，友善柔，友便佞，損矣。」

In plain words

Confucius said: “There are three kinds of friends who help and three who harm. A friend who is straight, a friend who is understanding, a friend who knows a great deal: these help. A friend who puts on airs, a friend who flatters, a friend with a glib tongue: these harm.”

Key words

直zhíSincere and upright; says what needs saying.
諒liàngUnderstanding and forgiving; also keeping one's word.
便佞pián nìngSmooth-talking: plenty of words, little substance.

Reading it step by step

Step outside the family, and the next relationship is friendship. Friends are usually not chosen so much as met: classmates, colleagues, people from your hometown, someone you travelled with. But once met, they differ enormously.

First: three friends who help. Straight, understanding, well-informed. The straight friend is sincere and upright: if you get something wrong, they tell you. That can feel like pressure, like bitter medicine. The understanding friend makes allowances: when everyone else misreads you, they trust you had your reasons. When young Guan Zhong fled a battle and took more than his share of profits, his friend Bao Shuya kept explaining: “He has an old mother to support.” The well-informed friend keeps learning, so there is always something new to talk about, rather than five minutes of catching up and then gossip.

Second: the three harmful friends are counterfeits of the three good ones. The one who puts on airs looks principled but only cares about face: a fake “straight.” The flatterer agrees with everything you say: a fake “understanding.” The glib talker seems to know about everything: a fake “well-informed.” Harmful friends are often easier company than helpful ones. That is exactly the danger.

helps

harms (the counterfeit)

honesty

straightsincere, upright

puts on airsall about face

acceptance

understandingforgives, doesn't indulge

flattereragrees with everything

knowledge

well-informedkeeps learning

glib talkerall words, no depth

Third: straight and understanding belong together. Straightness alone turns friendship into a courtroom. Understanding alone turns it into indulgence. When Zigong asked how to treat friends, Confucius said: advise them faithfully and guide them well, and if they won't listen, stop. Speak honestly, speak kindly, and if it doesn't land, let it go before the friendship goes too. What Confucius found shameful was the opposite habit: hiding a grudge and staying pally on the surface. With a boss or a junior you may need some tact; hiding things from friends as well is simply exhausting. If something rankles, say it and clear it.

Open your phone. Compare the person who likes every post with the person who calls you privately to say, “I think you got that one wrong.” Which one is the friend? Someone once defined a friend in two lines: the person who makes memories with you, and the person who defends you when you're not in the room. A classmate is rumoured to have sold off a teacher's tapes; nobody has any evidence. When someone asks you, you just say, “There's no proof. We shouldn't say that.” If those words get back to him, he will remember them for years. Then turn it round. In other people's lives, which kind of friend am I? The one who makes them comfortable, or the one who makes them better?

A good friend isn't the one who makes you comfortable. It's the one who makes you better.

One line to carry

A good friend makes you better, not just comfortable.

Today's question

Name one straight friend, one understanding friend and one well-informed friend. When did you last thank each of them?

Quick check

The flatterer (善柔) is a counterfeit of which helpful friend?

Next pageFour Stages of FriendshipPage 12

II · Family, Friends and Society — Family, friendship and our part in the world

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