Head Off the Quarrel at the Start

Reading it step by step

The last page was about waiting. Turn Xu upside down and you get Song (Dispute). The Sequence of the Hexagrams says, “where there's food and drink, there will be disputes.” Once there's something to share, someone will feel it was shared unfairly. When you start something, the storm outside is often less dangerous than a fight on the inside.

First: quarrels are a by-product of beginnings. Song has Qian (heaven) above and Kan (water) below. Heaven rises, water runs down; they move apart and never meet. The judgment opens, “there is proof, but it is blocked.” Both sides hold evidence; the other side just doesn't believe it. When parents divide an estate exactly equally, the children still may not feel it's fair, because each gave something different and remembers something different. So don't assume good friends won't disagree. People think, so they differ; people choose, so interests collide.

Third: the real skill is at the start. The Image doesn't teach you how to win. It says: when you begin anything, plan. Confucius said that without thought for what lies far ahead, there will be worries close at hand. So much trouble starts with a breezy “No problem, we'll sort it out later,” and “later” arrives sooner than we think. Confucius aimed higher still: the best judge is one who makes lawsuits unnecessary.

Back to today. Starting a studio with a friend? At the first meeting, write down the awkward things: who puts in how much, how profit is split, who does what, what happens if someone wants out, and how losses are shared if it fails. Sharing a flat? Agree on rent, bills, cleaning and guests before you move in. Writing it down isn't distrust; it protects the friendship. If a dispute ever becomes serious enough to need a lawyer, get proper advice. This page is about the time before that.

One step of thought at the start saves ten arguments later.